A New Ere

I don’t know much what other countries (not in EU) are going through, because we’re going through so much things those past weeks. Pardon my french (strange to use that expression when you are actually french) but it’s been a long long time since I’ve written in English.

First of all. Did human beings turned into monsters? What’s your problem to all of you? And humanity? Why are you all being selfish suddenly? Why are you all forgetting your origins that you usually love to claim? “I have Spanish origins!” oh yeah, and why are you french right now? Because you escaped Franco’s dictature. Don’t forget where you come from because being racist toward imigrants! They’re just searching a safe place. Like your parents and grand parents did.

In Europe, we will as if everything was given. Peace, money, health care. And because of that, no one is aware that somewhere, there might be wars. They know it because they see it on television, but they’re not aware of it. They don’t know what it feels like. They don’t know what it can be to live in such conditions. And you might ask yourself why am I talking about that, as a French, I don’t know more of all of this than the people I’m talking about. I will tell you, that you’re wrong. Because when you are depressive, when you just think that everything is bullshit and your life isn’t worth to live. You are fighting against your demons in your mind and you wish for it to end. You wish you could escape from this impossible mess that your brain is creating.

I’m disgusted by what I’m seeing those days. I’m currently working on a project about Sherlock Holmes, and I had to do researches on the Second World War, you can’t even imagine how it looks so common. The history is going to happen again if we don’t change things!

Be careful what you fish for…

A strange day

We all lived a day like this one. A particular day where we find ourself almost lost, angry at something or someone and then, there’s this little thing that lighten your day.

It was kind of hard today for me, and you know what? I finished Daredevil on Netflix, it was so good. I can’t even describe you my feelings about the series. About what Marvel did for it. About Charlie Cox being absolutely awesome as Matt Murdock. I mean, Daredevil is one of my favorite character from the Marvel Universe, and I was shocked, in a good way.

It’s not only about the superhero we all know. It’s not about the Avengers or X-Men, or who ever you want. It’s about the man. A man fighting for the cause he thinks is good. A man fighting for his city, for his life, his family, his friends. I’d say, a true philanthropist. About blinded people, so that they can know how to see in a different way, and I’m glad Netflix decided to make an audio for blinded people.

I don’t know if someone blinded will read this, but anyway: I know what it feels like. I did force myself to walk, my eyes closed to feel what it is like, all day. And nobody did care for me. I want you all to know that I do care about you. If I walk near someone blinded, if this person asks for help, I won’t go away pretending this person has plague. It could happen to everyone, just like it happened to Matt Murdock when he was young, fortunately we’re in a fictional comic-book, but the series show us that. Show us what for years we decided to do not see as our eyes were working.

I truly advice you to watch Daredevil, you will learn a lot of things on life.

Our World

Now that I’m currently recovering from what you’ve read… I am able to look at our world and what I’m seeing is frightening me…

I won’t talk about governments, we all know that they’re ordered by rich people. I will talk about every one, every single person we are on this planet. When will you realized the destruction you are making? When will you realize that your enemies are not the ones you think. When are you going to act in order to change something? Fight for what you think is good, not for what you think is going wrong. Make things better, not for yourself, but for everyone.
If you’ve ever had a pet, have you ever noticed the fact that when you are nice with him or her, he or she will respond? That’s the same with people. We’re not forced to agree on everything, but we can balance that by understanding their opinions, by listening to them. This would be a lot better than the world I am seeing right now.

Usually I say to my boyfriend that I don’t want kids. The truth is, I don’t want them to live in a world like this one. I don’t want them to suffer. it can seem really really selfish from me but I wouldn’t be a true mother if I wasn’t thinking of all of this. Some of us have been bullied for their opinions, some of us have been really really far because of people cheating on their kindness. I don’t want my kids to suffer this way. I don’t want them to fight for a better life. I want them to live happy, like every mother…

I’m not blind concerning our future, I am absolutely aware of what’s going on. In France we recently had to vote. French voted for the opposite, in order to say “we have enough of our government!” Okay, good, but see for who you voted today: people  miserly of money and powers, which make fun royally of the French people, which think only of growing rich. We have proofs on all of this, and we remain insensible, we let them do it and we are so stupid as we vote for the same that we turned three years previously. I did not go to vote for my part, for the simple and good reason that I find myself in none of the political parties.

I’m turning twenty this year, and to be honest with all of you, France is not the country you are all seeing, it’s more likely to be like England. Actually, it sucks but we keep fighting. As an artist, I swear to all of you, that I want to make things change and I need help to make it happen. Would you join me? It’s simple. Make things easier for the others, smile to them even if you don’t know them, it might change their lives. Give some cents to a hobo, pay him a sandwich, if he/she has a dog, buy some food. You can’t imagine how powerful you can be. We can all be superheroes if we realize what we have and what we’ve done.

Decision.

It’s not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems…what’s hard is to decide to actually do it.

Robert Downey Jr on his addiction.

I came here today to tell you a good news. I don’t really get drugs but I smoke, yet I found in this interview Robert Downey Jr has made for Oprah in 2004 the end of hell.
I finally decided to be okay. It took a lot of time but I am FUCKING great.
I finally understand what David ( David’s blog ) tried to teach me for now.. Two years I think. I am not responsible of things I can’t control. I can’t act on people hating me for things I must have. I can’t change who I am and people have to handle it.
David is not the only one who did a lot for me, my boyfriend too.
Fabien, my love, if you are reading this, thank you, I already told you this but thank you from the bottom of my heart.
He made me feel pretty. I thought because of my weight nobody would love me, someone like me. He showed me that people do care about me. You can’t even imagine how I felt those nights when I wanted to end it all and he was there to tell me to do not, that it would end his world. No one better made me understand the word “love”.
My friend Camille, that I met online. She’s been there too. And for her, I’m going to write this in french:
Camille, je te dois beaucoup, tu m’as appris ce qu’était la vie, qu’elle n’était pas forcément noire ou blanche et qu’il fallait apprécier les choses les plus simples. Tu m’en as appris beaucoup, et je te remercierais jamais assez pour tout ça. Tu es comme une soeur pour moi.
Back in English! My very good friend Sylvana, whose kind of my big sister. We were a bit in trouble sometimes but I think it was more a question of misunderstanding. She yelled at me a couple of times, but she was right. I couldn’t simply let my friends alone..

To all of you that have been there for me, thank you. I promise you this is over. You are going to know my true self and be careful, you might not recognize me ;P

I love you all ❤

For him

Whatever I do, it’s for him. Whatever I try, it’s for him. That feeling that grows inside you when you feel lonely, and abandoned, and you are about to do something really bad but you do it in a different way, you’re not to hard on yourself because you think of the one you love, yes, this feeling, of being loved.

I wish I could better explain this feeling, because it happened to me yesterday night. I wish I could be someone else, someone stronger than I am. I apologize to him everytime I’m in the darkness. If only people could understand me, could see the real me. Sometimes I got the feeling he doesn’t understand that need of hurting myself and he just thinks it’s going to get better soon. Sure it does, but not in the long time. It happens again when you think it won’t.

La Nuit

Cela fait des mois que je ne dors plus. Il ne m’est plus permis de le faire. Mon esprit en éruption refuse de s’endormir. Parfois je souhaiterais qu’il s’éteigne mais cela signifierait ma mort, chose que je ne veux plus désormais.
Chaque soir est un enfer où la migraine ne tarde pas à m’assomer, et quand je cherche du réconfort auprès de Morphée, c’est Hadès que je retrouve. Ce cher Hadès… Nous parlons, il me convaint que ma présence sur terre n’est pas indispensable. Je lui demande “Comment peux-tu savoir ça?” Il me répond, tout en me regardant, au plus profond de mon âme “Il suffit de voir combien de personne te pleuront une fois enfermée dans cette boîte qu’on créé les tiens pour le paradis, te concernant ce seront sans doute les enfers” Je me pétrifie, raide dans mon lit, et j’ai le souffle court, il se coupe par moment. Je le regarde, il a cette même allure que dans le dessin animé Hercule que j’avais pour habitude de regarder étant petite. Cependant son visage est plus sombre, son regard vous transperce l’âme, il n’a pas cette flamme tantôt bleu tantôt rouge en guise de cheveux, mais une calvicie bien prononcée, dont le peu de cheveux encore présents ne sont que sale et gras. Il me répugne, je cherche à me réveiller mais il me garde avec lui. Je ne distingue plus la réalité de la rêverie. Je m’agite, je transpire tandis qu’il me pointe du doigt une barque, il m’invite à y monter. Je le suis. Notre embarquation tangue, nous suivons une rivière souterraine, l’eau ne bouge pas, l’air se rarifie, ma vision se brouille alors que nous arrivons à un îlot. Sur ce dernier je peux y découvrir, une coupole ornée d’une petite flamme. “C’est toi!” me lance le Dieu des enfers. Cette petite flamme, me représentait, elle est mon esprit. “Tu as le choix entre l’éteindre ou la laisser t’embraser pour devenir plus grosse. Que choisis-tu?”
J’hésite. La tentation de la souffler me brûle les lèvres. J’approche un doigt, puis deux, s’ensuit ma main. Le feu m’est agréable. Je laisse cette petite flamme s’emparée de mon corps, tandis que mon esprit devient plus fort. Je n’entends plus Hadès, ni Cerbère gardant l’entrée des enfers. Je n’entends qu’une chose, une voix. Je suis secouée de spasmes, puis une violente lumière blanche m’aveugle. Un visage, un visage familié m’apparaît, sa voix, calme et posée.
“Tout va bien ma Chérie, je suis là.”

Being betrayed

She’s back. She’s there. Taking my friends away. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Think? I’m lost. I’m all lost. I’m losing my faith in my boyfriend, whether we’ll stay together, I’m losing faith in the world.. 

This is a message of begging help. I need help. I need to be reassured, I need someone to comfort me and tell me it’s gonna be alright.. 

I just want to give up right now so please.. please tell me there’s something good in this damn world…

If only…

Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre qu’être en dépression, c’est aller mal constamment.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre qu’aller mal constamment n’était pas un besoin de se faire voir.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre que se lever le matin est tous les jours un calvaire.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre que vivre est un enfer.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre que nous dire qu’on a des amis, un copain/copine n’était pas aussi simple que ça pour nous.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre que nous les aimons et que les perdre serait pire que tout.
Si seulement ils pouvaient comprendre ce que nous vivons chaque jour…

My Love

Good news! I’m no longer single! Just wanted you all to know it.

It’s the greatest feeling… This feeling if being loved, someone cares about you a lot. It’s hard because we’re not living close to each other but our love is stronger than this and I know we can get through this.

I know it’s him. Some friends keep telling me it’s weird, it’s just that.. They don’t understand how we came to this. Fabien, my boyfriend and I.. We never had anyone in our life. It’s the first time for each and we found each other. He helped me so much. He was there. He took the time to understand me and my problems, he never judged me, he never laughed, he was simply the greatest guy on earth. And people tend to think he did this because he just to make love to me or I don’t know how to say in English properly. But it’s not. He.. he loves me. Me, myself, my true self, he’s the only one who knows my deep inside me, because he’s been patient. He’s the sweetest guy on earth..

And I feel lucky to have him in my life now. I love him from the bottom of my heart, I’d do everything for him! He’s my life, my world, my universe, my everything.

To everyone who thinks that’s impossible to be loved by someone, because you’re fat, you’re a tomboy or I don’t know, never loses hope, it will happen. Everyone deserves to be loved. Keep hoping!

La drogue

Je n’ai pas la force d’écrire en anglais ce soir. Je repense à beaucoup de choses et en particulier cette dernière: je m’éloigne des autres.

J’ai envoyé balader mon “grand frère”, Fabien hier soir, alors qu’il essayait simplement de m’aider… Je lui ai dit de me laisser, sans plus d’explications que ça. Ma meilleure amie, Sylvana a eut un coup de blues hier soir également, je ne l’ai pas aidé pour autant. Je m’éloigne de ceux que j’aime. Je… Il m’est difficile de… de leur parler alors qu’ils savent. Ils savent que je me mutile, ils savent que j’ai des pensées suicidaires, alors comment…comment je peux encore les regarder en face où leur parler… Qu’est-ce qu’ils doivent penser de moi? Ils doivent penser que je suis un monstre ou mentalement atteinte…

J’ai rendu triste ma meilleure amie alors que je m’étais promis de ne pas le faire, de lui cacher ça pour éviter ses larmes. Je lui ai avoué précédemment dans mon dernier article… Je me sens coupable de ça, de tout ce que je cause autour de moi. Je n’arrive à rien faire! Je n’arrive pas à m’arrêter! L’auto-mutilation est devenue comme une drogue pour moi. Je ne mets pas ma vie en danger, ce ne sont pas des plaies profondes, ça ne ressemble qu’à une griffure banale, mais quand même!

J’ai honte de moi. De ce que je leur fais subir, et j’aimerais me retrouver un peu seule parfois, mais j’ai besoin d’eux, c’est paradoxal, je sais. Ils me maintiennent en vie et c’est pour eux que je me bats toutes les nuits contre ces cauchemars et ces souvenirs abominables. Je n’ai jamais voulu leur faire de mal, et je ne sais pas comment m’y prendre pour les rendre heureux, on dit qu’il faut l’être soi-même, mais je n’y arrive pas. J’ai besoin de changer d’air, d’espace, d’un endroit où je ne me sentirais pas observer constamment. Si l’an dernier, à New York je ne me suis jamais sentie aussi bien, c’était pour cette raison.

Je suis désolée Sylvana et Fabien…
Je vous aime.